when I am looking back to my life and trying to evaluate or understand things,emerges the biggest problem.

keep asking myself what I did that could lead me to such a life now,complicates things.people I have meet had without exceptions influence on who I am and how I act,all in different proportions.WHO AM I?(them/the outside/me/beliefs/genes/culture/experience/etc????)

What in the world could I have done that actually would keep me breaking promises and deceiving people!I never done bad in purpose!especially not for those I love/like.Those are the people I make suffer the most.
But what if,its them that try and hurt me??what if people I used to like,trust...do me wrong?suffering from such things is called deceptions.I've had a lot of deceptions in my life.The one I care about most(myself of course)is the first one I deceive(am I being too severe with myself?).That at one point I started asking myself:If am not deceiving someone does that actually mean I dont care about him?

I can say that no matter what,I trust I can do better(I know I've done wrong and act badly sometimes for some people)but I cant understand people that should understand me,come and tell me its me that is deceiving them,its me the source of the problem,its me,because of me,or because of that I changed"tu as change,tu n'etais pas comme ca au debut"(and am still the same-so basically because of me again-maybe they had a different image of me?or did not understand the me in the specified case?NWAY)!!!

The day I started thinking about all that,is from before I could remember!The day I can say I saw myslef as I was(or am?if I still the same)was the day when someone hurt me a lot!that day,I thought it was all my fault!!maybe it was!I still dont know!but from that moment I gain confidence in who I am(I believe Ive done the best I could that time)

I have/had different kind of friends and people I am in a certain relation with,I had different types of boyfriends,I have passed thru different phases and had me in different version(myself projecting different images)the source is one,I cant be many people at the same time?or can I?can I be mean and gentle?rebellious and pacifist?all in the same person?!and am clinically not schizophrenic,bipolar or anything like that(might me hysterical?probable)

Whatever I am,am different and special like anyone else.Each and everyone is unique.The common point between us all,is that we are all different!we are all one and cant be the same!we cant live with each other,but we cant live alone!

This is a big problem for me:sometimes I think a lot and sometimes I don't think at all,am always worried and stressed,I am rarely relaxed.I keep on questioning everything around me and inside me!(could I be a control freak?)and I cant express myself(am not sure if the ideas I had in mind that I wanted to share with you in this note for ex.are the same words I've written!)I have a difficulty finding the exact words,doing simple sentences to explain simple ideas.So I keep repeating the same things I know(this y sometimes I think people have difficulty knowing or understanding me).
I think I found some few exceptions and those are my real friends(sometimes I don't understand my doings or saying!how could I expect them to do so?)especially not close ones(that's y again close ones deceive me sometimes)
Well,that's how things went with me.That's what happened,and I like it.That's my life,how couldn't I like it!?would I hate myself otherwise?
This moment when I say I love my life,I love myself and everyone else!is the only moment that could keep me saying that's y I lived all that before!If I didn't had all that in the past,I wouldn't have enjoyed the present moment that much,maybe I wouldn't have made it to this point!BUT I DID AND AM PROUD OF MYSELF.

Now please would you share with me your opinion or personnal experiences?thankslet them be deviant